


Head Space

by TheManTheMythTheLazy



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Book 2: Wayward Son, Canon Compliant, Light Angst, M/M, POV Simon Snow, Short One Shot, Simon thinking which he doesn't like to do, Spoilers for Book 2: Wayward Son
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:34:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24298174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheManTheMythTheLazy/pseuds/TheManTheMythTheLazy
Summary: A road trip across America was supposed to consist of a lot more flying and a lot less thinking. Unfortunately this is the one time Simon can't seem to turn off his thoughts.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Kudos: 19





	Head Space

**Author's Note:**

> I just really love Simon and I feel like there are a lot of Baz fics about their relationship being on the rocks and not enough Simon fics. The boy is going through things. Understandable things. That's hard to do when you're in love.

I am soaring. 

The world is so incredibly small from up here and maybe that is a metaphor for something (like my problems), but I’m not going to think about it. I’m up here not to think. Thinking gets me in trouble. It makes me sad or angry or…I don’t know. Lots of bad stuff, and bad stuff is for the ground. 

Nice try, me, but I am not crashing today.

My wings slice through the night sky. It feels amazing. It makes me feel more like myself than I have in a long time. Maybe my shrink is right. I guess I do need exercise after all. Now that I feel the stretch and luxurious burn of my wings, I know that running was never going to cut it. I needed this. I needed to feel free. To feel bigger than my skin. 

Bigger than my sadness. 

Because, fuck, I am sad. I am so fucking sad that I don’t know what to do with it. All I know is that it’s growing. It’s stretching and morphing like a second skin and all I can do is watch. One day it’s going to eat me, become me. 

I can’t let Baz see that. He deserves better. So. Much. Better. What fucking sucks is not too long ago I felt like I was good enough. I felt like we were each other’s missing pieces. _You complete me_ , and all that. It was never hard. It was everything I didn’t know I wanted. Needed. _Need_. 

Then I lost my magic, Ebb, The Mage, myself. I lost it all and that includes Baz. He just hasn’t realized yet. That I don’t know who the fuck I am, but whoever it is, it’s certainly not someone who is right for him. It’s not someone who can make things easy or who can keep up. He swears it’s not a problem that I’m Normal. Except that it is.

I am so fucking jealous of Baz’s magic. And Penny’s. Everyone’s. 

I miss being powerful. I miss being a bomb one misstep away from going off. I was always shit at magic, but it was still an integral part of who I was. Being careful-and-cautious-but-not-really was how I attacked life. _Going off_ defined me. Not always in a good way, but it made people pay attention to me. Magic made me more. As an orphan, that _means_ something. 

I don’t have a reason for people to pay attention. Especially not people like Baz. He commands a room just by breathing. He turns heads. He makes people look. He’s exactly the kind of unattainable that some nobody like me _aches_ for. The one thing that made us make sense was my magic. Now I don’t have it and Baz is convinced that we are still equals. We’re not. I want him to see that. Not because I want him to give my heart back. I’d like it to stay in his palms, thank you. It’s just that I can already see the future and I don’t like it. I don’t like thinking about how he is going to get tired of working around my Normalness. Or that one day he’ll wake up and realize that he’s settled, that he could have had the whole fucking world but instead he gave it all up for some teenage crush. Or that he’ll have to explain to future friends the reason a guy like _him_ is with a guy like _me_. 

Baz should never have to explain himself. 

He should never have to second guess himself. Merlin knows he’s already done it enough in his short eternity. He’s just started growing into the man he’s always meant to become. And honestly once he accepts his vampirism he’ll be unstoppable. 

I love him so fucking much. 

I want him to know this. Because I don’t think he does anymore. I think all he sees are all the ways I’ve rejected him recently. I think he sees his own love fall on deaf ears. 

I hear you, Baz.

Now hear me. 

Know that I love you. But being with you hurts because I am not what you signed up for. And I know you said you were never going to change your mind, but ‘never’ is a hell of a commitment and I can’t hold you to it. I can’t be that selfish. I can’t be the ground at your feet when all you want to do is fly. 

My cheeks are cold. 

I rub my arm against my eyes. I am not doing this up here. This is where I’m supposed to be happiest. 

I hover above the truck as it glides along the road. I’m thinking too much. It’s time to come down. The air isn’t where I’m happiest. I know this. My wings move with my thoughts. I’m nearly free falling in my haste. I spread my wings wide just as I touch down on the bed of the truck. My face is red, I can feel it, but I know that’s easily interpreted as windblown. 

Baz holds out his arms. This is how we ride in the truck now. He can safely assume I will never deny him this. We need this. “Crowley it’s freezing back here, Snow.” 

I fold myself into his embrace, my wings settle around us so that the world has shrunk to just the two of us. And with a world that small, well, I’m sure there’s a metaphor (about my problems) in there somewhere. But I don’t think. Thinking gets me in trouble. It makes me want to say things.

There is no space between us for words like that. 


End file.
